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About Deviant Member Simyona DeanovaUnited States Group :iconabetterworld: ABetterWorld
 
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Haven't watched Wrestlemania yet, but really excited to see Sting face off against Triple H, also hoping Paige and Aj make a tag team victory against the Bella Twins.

Other than that, things not greatly improved. I've noticed some increasing sadistic tendencies lately, which for me has to do with looking at certain things online I really shouldn't be. I may start seeing a therapist in Gibson City soon, though, so that's positive.

I'm volunteering at my church next Sunday, in two weeks I'm attending a conference at same church led by Graham Cooke, a writer/speaker from the UK. Been doing some work for my grandparents again, which makes me a small bit of money. Other than that, everything is exactly the same for me. That's all.

S.D.
  • Mood: Questionable
  • Reading: Interior Castle (Teresa of Avila)
...always makes me happy. And so does being seen in a dress myself. I owe myself a day on the down in a dress sometime soon. I really need it.

Simyona Deanova.
  • Mood: Questionable
  • Reading: Interior Castle (Teresa of Avila)
  • Watching: Are You Afraid of The Dark?
I realized something on my way home from Shannon's tonight: I don't believe in myself anymore. I haven't for a long time. I can't pinpoint the exact point when this occurred, it just feels incredibly distant. I only believe in a couple of things these days: God and Shannon. And probably my friends. The only theory I can offer is that somewhere along the way it just got too exhausting to believe in myself when no one else was willing to. I am not suggesting that my family ever stopped believing in me or my friends either. But what is the point in friends and family cheering you on when publishers and prospective employers look at all the effort you put into your applications and interviews and say, "Meh, who's next?" Year after year, after bloody fagging year ("fagging" is meant in the British context of a smoke in this sentence. I am essentially saying "bloody, smoking" year. Odd, I know, but my speech is quirky so cry me a river.) of this crap has left me unable to believe in much.

I suppose you're expecting this to be the moment where I get all inspirational and make some tear jerking emotional speech about how I'm going to come back from all of this and believe in myself super hard so I can show those bozos what they missed out on! Yeah, not so much. Sorry, kids, I've tried that shit too many times. My well has run dry. Truth is, I have no idea how I'll come back from this. I'm certain I probably will at some point, but I have no idea how or when. Most days when I try to envision what the future holds all I see is darkness. With one tiny exception: I see myself married to Shannon and raising children with her. That's it. That's the only thing I see. Everything else is just dark. Not dark as in foreboding, dark as in I can't fucking see it. I'm convinced that my story isn't over yet, so don't go worrying that I'm going to suicide myself, but I can't see the next chapter and am having a lot of trouble reading this one. Will I ever believe in myself again? God, I hope so. But I don't see it happening all that soon. *shrug* I apologize if I've been a buzzkill to any of you, but I just needed to be completely honest. Maybe in my next journal I'll discuss my current situation in more concrete detail. Bye for now.

Regards,

Simn.
  • Mood: Questionable
  • Listening to: Three Days Grace: Animal I have become
  • Reading: Interior Castle (Teresa of Avila)
Is there light at the end of a gun barrel?
Yes, but it brings death.
Is there good reason to hope?
Yes, but it hides in shadow.
Q And A
I'm not entirely sure how I feel tonight. Whether it's been a bad day or a good day is too close to call.
Loading...
I would love to be able to decide on a mood to feel for more than five minutes at a time today. Angry, frustrated, depressed, mildly content, somewhat excited, angry again, semi-murderous rage(it's okay folks, I'm sating that rage with The World Is Not Enough 64), and repeat.
Haven't watched Wrestlemania yet, but really excited to see Sting face off against Triple H, also hoping Paige and Aj make a tag team victory against the Bella Twins.

Other than that, things not greatly improved. I've noticed some increasing sadistic tendencies lately, which for me has to do with looking at certain things online I really shouldn't be. I may start seeing a therapist in Gibson City soon, though, so that's positive.

I'm volunteering at my church next Sunday, in two weeks I'm attending a conference at same church led by Graham Cooke, a writer/speaker from the UK. Been doing some work for my grandparents again, which makes me a small bit of money. Other than that, everything is exactly the same for me. That's all.

S.D.
  • Mood: Questionable
  • Reading: Interior Castle (Teresa of Avila)

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daddyslittlejanegirl's Profile Picture
daddyslittlejanegirl
Simyona Deanova
United States
I'm pansexual and genderfluid. Also, emo/punk with high-functioning Autism. Religiously, I'm a Christian Mystic.

By the way, this picture update is not an indication that my gender identity has changed. I'm still genderfluid. I've just got shorter, more punky hair now. In the new pic I have spiking wax in my hair and liquid foundation softening the features of my face.

Current Residence: F.C., IL
Favourite genre of music: Could you be more specific?
MP3 player of choice: I don't now, nor will I ever own an MP3.
Shell of choice: What's THAT supposed to mean?!
Skin of choice: ?
Favourite cartoon character: Garfield the cat
Personal Quote: "Money cannot purchase honor." -Fremen saying
Interests

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:iconkajm:
Kajm Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Birthday!
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:icondaddyslittlejanegirl:
daddyslittlejanegirl Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014
thank you. Sorry for the delayed response. I've have connectivity issues since Thursday and am currently using a family member's computer. I'm hoping to have the issue resolved soon.
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:icona-l-connor:
a-l-connor Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
Sorry to randomly pop in without any prior introduction, but I happened to noticed that one of your favourite drawings here is one titled "Here Comes the Bride." As this picture includes me, so to speak, I couldn't help but contact you... 

Do you by any chance know "someone" (an internet troll, character in many different respects, in all kinds of stories, etc...he was a lot of things) by the name of Fredrick? He also went by Freddy, and would've likely taken the last name Macvarian. I'm looking for this person, but have yet to find any trace of them other than via this image. Hopefully you can help me...
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:icondaddyslittlejanegirl:
daddyslittlejanegirl Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
I don't think so, but it's probably been a while since I faved that drawing. And I mostly pay attention to the art itself when I fave things. I hope you find this person you're searching for though. Sounds pretty serious.
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:icona-l-connor:
a-l-connor Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
it was for a long time. the person i'm looking for actually was the artist that drew that, but his/her (its confusing) account has since gone quiet for years. i've been trawling the internet looking for any account of theirs, but thus far this is the closest i have come. *sigh*
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:icondaddyslittlejanegirl:
daddyslittlejanegirl Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
I'm sorry to hear that.
Reply
:iconmushu-xiii:
Mushu-XIII Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013   Photographer
I Am No Longer Dead! ;D
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:icondaddyslittlejanegirl:
daddyslittlejanegirl Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013
Yayyy!!!!
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:iconmushu-xiii:
Mushu-XIII Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013   Photographer
So How's DaddysGirl Been? :)
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:icondaddyslittlejanegirl:
daddyslittlejanegirl Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
Mostly frustrated, but with occasional happy spots.
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